New Meds

Had one day break between last of the old zol0ft & first of the new fetz1ma (sorry for that; must avoid spambots somehow, heh). And, as last post mentioned (heh), my fucking useless dot has been here all along. I've gone from one mood swing to another, awake all night, exhausted from sleeping all day whilst paranoia and Bad Thoughts course through me, only stopping when my hub reaches over to hold my hand or kiss my forehead. This is the first day I've been semi-coherent; thought I'd write it out. 

Please, please work, new med. please. 

Ovaries, You are Dicks

After twenty four years filled with monthly torture, I may have reached the point of no return. Setting an appointment to consult with my ladybits doc, see if we can't just get this fuckled non-reproducing repro system out, OUT damned dot.

Yes, I know the line is "spot," but I call my monthly sentence a dot; if only it truly was the end!

The days spent per month without any dot symptoms (both pre and during) average out for me at approximately four. FOUR FUCKING DAYS out of an average thirty. That ain't no way to live! 

Bye bye, bitchezzz!!

It's Okay to Cry

This "brave face" worn for everyone 

(has cracks, tears, tears)

solace in solitude keeps it fresh, gently placed just there,

 in case

a stranger calls. (they never do)

Today, with no company but feline, it is okay to cry. 

They won't tell. 

Changes

Finally weaning off of the zoloft; going on a new med which, theoretically, will decrease the constant exhaustion & head-to-actual-goddamn-toes pain. Please please, pleeeease work. It is harder each day to plaster on the happy face, even though I go nowhere. 

Yup, there it is; the nitpicking, debasing little thought monster, telling me AGAIN to just give up. That no amount of meds, vitamins, counsel, or shots will make this pain cease, that any release is a good release, that giving up is really the only choice, that today is a good day to _________. 

Well, fuck you. Today is not that day. 

Today is a good day to live. 

Ferdinand the Hyper

My newest reason for lack of sleep.