Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Just So You Know
I am most definitely still kickin ass and takin names. PT and OT twice per week if my body cooperates, assistive devices I didn't even know existed and the best motivation possible: making life less worrisome for the hub. If I'm stronger, he can relax a bit (not that he would, heh,) and we can get back to enjoying life together. Less fears, more fun. Plus, I'd sure like to play me some sled hockey one day, and this is a good way to start that path.
Now, there's no guarantee that I'll ever actually be able to play sports, but that does not mean I have to give up trying. If I give up, what happens? Do I melt in a puddle of probable MS and fade away? Pfft. Fuck that. I'm going to keep going. Keep moving. Keep kickin ass. Beat the voices down, the You Can't and the You Won't jerks can just piss up a rope as far as I'm concerned! I'm sick of the sedentary, done with the doldrums, ready for the revolution within my mind. The pressure valve has, somewhere along the way here, been loosened. Right now, I no longer feel the need to lug my guilt and my fear and the judgmental assclowns on replay in my head around on my shoulders! Fuck em! Fuck em all! They served their purposes, I learned the hard lessons, so arrividerci, culos! My life is pretty bitchin, and I aim to keep it that way.
Today was simply one damn fine day.
Now, there's no guarantee that I'll ever actually be able to play sports, but that does not mean I have to give up trying. If I give up, what happens? Do I melt in a puddle of probable MS and fade away? Pfft. Fuck that. I'm going to keep going. Keep moving. Keep kickin ass. Beat the voices down, the You Can't and the You Won't jerks can just piss up a rope as far as I'm concerned! I'm sick of the sedentary, done with the doldrums, ready for the revolution within my mind. The pressure valve has, somewhere along the way here, been loosened. Right now, I no longer feel the need to lug my guilt and my fear and the judgmental assclowns on replay in my head around on my shoulders! Fuck em! Fuck em all! They served their purposes, I learned the hard lessons, so arrividerci, culos! My life is pretty bitchin, and I aim to keep it that way.
Today was simply one damn fine day.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Almost forgot
My GP tweaked my meds (hooooraaaaaay futhamuckas!!), set me up with in-home PT & OT (physical and occupational therapies), got me a new neurologist and gave me hugs!
If I could clone both her and my gran, this world would be so much better. They are truly lovable and those who meet them want to make the world better for them. Win win, yo!
So it WAS my meds, but not just them; it was also my aching progress through some inner struggles. I broke through and am (if you saw the previous post) stronger for it. Rawr!
If I could clone both her and my gran, this world would be so much better. They are truly lovable and those who meet them want to make the world better for them. Win win, yo!
So it WAS my meds, but not just them; it was also my aching progress through some inner struggles. I broke through and am (if you saw the previous post) stronger for it. Rawr!
Well Dang, Girl!
A message appeared in my inbox recently from someone I'd hoped and begged the gods would leave me alone forever and ever, amen.
Obviously he didn't get the memo.
This was my first abusive partner, the one I kept going back to EVEN THOUGH I knew he was breaking me. The one who got me into drinking & drugging, the one who inspected my every inch to ensure I'd not embarrass him in public with my "fuckin weird-ass shit." The one who refused to buy a phone to ensure that I, his wife, could not contact my family or friends, so many states away. The one who punished me with sex, which should NEVER be used as a weapon. Of course, he did, along with his hands and his words.
The words hurt for much longer than the hands.
Initially, I was calm. Asked him to please stop contacting me. Did my deep breathing exercises. Had a shot of my rescue remedy. He called me rude, asked where I lived. My pulse began to thud. The old fear sweats crept up. Old me, the scared little weakling, would have given him anything he wanted until he'd leave me alone. Would have fallen to her knees and begged forgiveness for the attitude.
But new me? Pfft.
I asked him if he honestly thought I'd want to speak to him, who first broke me, and explained (using small words...) that I am finally free and happy, that he can no longer hurt me. Then I wished him a long, healthy life with his family, hit send, blocked him and his wife, and got hugs from my real Prince Charming. Because hugs make everything better, if even for a moment.
This woman is a strong woman, and no man has ownership over her. No man can make her cower. No man can make her hide under beds or in closets ever again.
*tittybump*
Obviously he didn't get the memo.
This was my first abusive partner, the one I kept going back to EVEN THOUGH I knew he was breaking me. The one who got me into drinking & drugging, the one who inspected my every inch to ensure I'd not embarrass him in public with my "fuckin weird-ass shit." The one who refused to buy a phone to ensure that I, his wife, could not contact my family or friends, so many states away. The one who punished me with sex, which should NEVER be used as a weapon. Of course, he did, along with his hands and his words.
The words hurt for much longer than the hands.
Initially, I was calm. Asked him to please stop contacting me. Did my deep breathing exercises. Had a shot of my rescue remedy. He called me rude, asked where I lived. My pulse began to thud. The old fear sweats crept up. Old me, the scared little weakling, would have given him anything he wanted until he'd leave me alone. Would have fallen to her knees and begged forgiveness for the attitude.
But new me? Pfft.
I asked him if he honestly thought I'd want to speak to him, who first broke me, and explained (using small words...) that I am finally free and happy, that he can no longer hurt me. Then I wished him a long, healthy life with his family, hit send, blocked him and his wife, and got hugs from my real Prince Charming. Because hugs make everything better, if even for a moment.
This woman is a strong woman, and no man has ownership over her. No man can make her cower. No man can make her hide under beds or in closets ever again.
*tittybump*
Monday, March 11, 2013
Some Might Say...
Some might say I have no life; that my rare excursions to the World Beyond the Porch can't possibly be entertaining or enough to stave off cabin fever. And I'll admit that it does get me every few months, especially if I've not left the interior of our home for three-plus weeks. But right now? I'm good. Hub snoozing next to me, cat snoozing next to him, my favourite game loaded...some might say I'm missing out, but I'm not missing a thing.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Sweet Jebus
Maybe it's the meds.
Maybe it's my age.
Maybe it's my brain slowly and painfully accepting, really-truly-I-swear-this-friggin-time, that everything I'd dreamt about my career, social life, body and mind are now 100% swept off the table, to be replaced with cats, early bedtimes, pc games, loneliness, silence.
Maybe it's the meds.
When the hub is home, it's all a bit better. He's my anti-panic. He's my hero.
Maybe it's my age.
Maybe it's my brain slowly and painfully accepting, really-truly-I-swear-this-friggin-time, that everything I'd dreamt about my career, social life, body and mind are now 100% swept off the table, to be replaced with cats, early bedtimes, pc games, loneliness, silence.
Maybe it's the meds.
When the hub is home, it's all a bit better. He's my anti-panic. He's my hero.
I Don't Even
Borked my back last week. Hub working altered schedule to take care of my gimp ass. Hard to feel useful.
Blargh.
Blargh.
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