Just one little thing...

Oh, okay, you caught me; it's really a few little things.  Well, maybe a couple of little things and one semi-large thing.  The little things - a relentless toofache, the realization that my body does not like wheat (which is half of my goddamn fucking diet), and the landlord stopping by to say the township inspector will be here next week ("and by the way, I'll be dropping off two smoke detectors and a range hood for you to install yourself!") - well, the little things I can handle.  I'm invincible, dammit, I can handle ANYTHING.  Which is a Very Good Thing, dearios, as the semi-large thing is that the government decided that I am not disabled.

Yeah... they decided after meeting myself and my lawyer once, for 45 minutes, that I'm not disabled.  They decided that I could TOTALLY work in a factory, doing repetitive tasks, or that I could flip burgers somewhere.  Well, my dear, darling fucking asshat government, I'd like to explain to you why I (like so many other genuinely disabled folks) am UNable to do those kinds of jobs.  For the sake of anthropomorphistic glee, we're going to assume that the government is One Stupid Person, not a million marginally moronic fools.  That said, Government, do you know what Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Bi-patello-femoral Syndrome and IBS are?  No?  Well, imagine that your wrists are trying to detach from your arms while your muscles all ache as though you were beaten to a pulp 5 minutes ago, and that your knees are also trying to detach from your body - then imagine that the painkillers you so desperately need in order to function are not even remotely digestible because your stomach rejects EVERY FUCKING THING you try to put in it.  You got that, Government?  Good.  Because THAT is my life, on a daily basis.  I would love to go back to work! I miss working the way, well, the way you miss having the blind support of a nation.   When I've tried - repeatedly, for the past four YEARS - to get hired, I am turned down.  Why?  BECAUSE I'm FUCKING DISABLED!! You stupid fucking pricks!  YOU wouldn't hire me, so what makes you think anyone else will??

Gaaaaah!!!!!

Wine. NOW.  I need to go out, drink some wine - which is wheat-free, and thus "safe" for me - and calm the fuck down before I start spluttering and drooling in the corner.  Again.

The Daily Bitchen's

Today, dear friends, I do not have much to bitch about.  No, I know - strange but true!  I have a roof over my head, a refrigerator in my kitchen stocked with food, a husband who loves me and just happens to have the hottest ass on the planet, and we recently moved back over the rainbow to Pennsylvania.  Obviously, I am grateful for all of these positives.  Being grateful, however, does not negate the crap that comes along with being a sentient human being.  As much as I would like to be a perky, happy, chipper little person, it is not always easy.  So I strive to just be real.  That said, being real generally includes eating and digesting food.  You people out there who can eat what you want take it for granted, but those of us with pissed off guts are at the mercy of our digestive tract on a daily - nay, hourly basis!  If we are out and about and feel that familiar sensation, we can't just buy a packet of chips and a soda.  Our bodies are physically unable to process that shite, and honestly - that is okay by me.  I don't want to be a part of the unhealthy masses!  I don't want to suffer from malnutrition while shoveling pre-packaged crap into my mouth.  I don't want to die at an early age from heart disease, obesity, diabetes or any of the other myriad food-related disorders.  Now, I know that diet is not the sole reason behind those disorders - but come on, folks!  If you CAN eat food that fuels you, why choose to eat non-food that makes only one part of your body happy - your tongue!  Why eat something slathered in chemicals when you can experience the intense crunchy sweetness of a fresh carrot?

Okay, okay... now I'm off of the deep end into granola-head territory, but you know what?  I like carrots.  I do!  They're fun!  They're versatile!  They are a part of so many traditional family meals, in so many countries including ours!  What the hell is wrong with a little love for our ground-grown orange friends?  You know what else?  Potatoes are a vegetable.  Not french fries, not chips, but real, honest-to-gods potatoes.  Baked, mashed, souped and sauteed, potatoes are damn tasty.  TRY ONE.

It appears that today's gratitude-fueled post has deviated into my seething distaste for the easy-quick-cheap food mentality.  When I see people trying to leave a fast food joint, begging to be able to merge into my lane, I'm a total bitch.  I don't let them.  Yeah, I'm one of THOSE assholes.  Because you know what?  While you're horking down your heart-attack-in-a-bun, you could be savouring a bag of fucking carrots and getting some actual nutrition.  You could be fostering the healthy habit of a lifetime in your children, who will pass it to their children and friends, making the whole fucking future a healthy prospect! What the shit is wrong with fast-food eaters?!!

Okay... okay, I need to step away from the keyboard before I make enemies.  Aah, fuck it - you don't like my views, you don't have to read 'em.  You like your fast food?  Well, you go on an enjoy it!  I'll be sure to leave some edible flowers on your grave.