FEAR: No Beer

Man, I loved the band Fear. Loved a lot of good old punk, and I still do. Getting out to shows now is an effort in futility, but a gal can hope. 

My fear isn't about missing a concert, though. I know, I know; no shit. My fear is about missing out on the hugs and laughs of a lifetime. Cheesy, but there it is; the fear of Something Wrong in my Brain is all-encompassing and I do not want to miss the chance to laugh with friends, family, strangers and animals! 

Dammit, I haven't danced with my husband yet and I intend to dance my silly ass into retirement with him, nerves or no nerves!

Breathe. 

I'm breathing. 

I get angry. Scared. Panicked. Petrified. Horrified at what is slowly taking away my once reliable limbs and mind and nervous system. 

So I breathe. 

Breathe. 

Deeply, until my head slows down and I can --- can what? Silence the panic? Pretend I'm not what I am, or what I am not? 

Until I can distract myself with something, anything to forget the Fear. 

Man...I want beer. MORE BEER

Hot as BALLS dude

There are many things that come with health issues, but the one lesson I'm learning right fucking now is that I get overheated VERY GODDAMN QUICKLY. 

So quickly that with an actual blink of the ol' eyes I could be on the ground, passed out. It's like flying, except at the last moment I remember that I can't fly. 

The conundrum for me now is how to get my vitamin D without fainting...wonder if I can talk the hub into a front-porch-mini-pool. I'm small, I'd fit in a cooler. 

Mmmmm...ice cuuuuubes

Panic, No Panic

My brain gets its picture taken in a few days, gotta make sure all the angles are covered. Curls all in place, spots where they should be? Maybe? Maybe not? I don't honestly know what to hope for at this point. 

Some restful sleep would rock, that'll happen next weekend, once our Fonz cat gets the all-clear from the vet. Maybe I'll take a warm bath this week, loosen up and attempt meditation again. It's been difficult on the couch the last month-ish, but I've gotten to comfort the derpiest of derp cats so...call it even. 

My everything hurts, so yeah. Off to rest and rest some more. 

Make silly faces, yo! 

Dude. Seriously.

I'd like to cease being an advertisement, Pater. 

Sigh. 

Non-Divination

More tests! 

More MRIs! 

More questions! 

More fear! 

More xanaxes

More panic

More depression

Less life. 

Face It

Tomorrow is a Big Day. New neurologist, possible/probable diagnosis, more tests to run, more words to file away in my musty old mind...more fear. I know, I know; being diagnosed with MS changes nothing about me as ME, but it certainly changes the future. Right? Not that I've ever successfully envisioned a future with myself in it, but hey! What can ya do. Thought I'd be long dead by now, suicide or abuse related, protesting or procreating...but never this. Never being slowly destroyed from the inside out. 

How do I stop thinking and worrying and fearing this, this thing that once was my own body, now an untrustworthy stranger? How do I quiet the white noise of fear?

There will come a time when my acceptance is transparent. When I'll no longer question it. That time is not now. 

Now is the time for bolstering, for tomorrow, we divine. 

Bursting

Overwhelmed this past week-ish. Cat with ruptured eye needed emergency surgery to remove it, is now snoozing on my leg as we settle into the couch for the night/next two weeks. He follows me wherever I go, must be touching me at all times and has been needing a mom for a long time, I guess. So. I am that mom.
I won't be one in the traditional raise-human-from-infant-to-independent sense. Just in the general, mom to those who need one for a bit. No kids here.


Thud.


I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge; being told that I can and cannot reproduce back and forth for almost twenty years can get to a gal. Now the issue isn't my lady-bits, but my nerve-bits. My knee bits. My myelin bits, what's left of them I suppose. My possible multiple sclerosis, my body rejecting me, my legs failing me, my, my, my, this is some bullshit!

Overwhelming. Yes. Also filed under overwhelming? The levels of cuteness radiating from the sprouts in the garden. Lavender, salad mix, butterfly bushes...so tiny! So squee!

My attention is being demanded by a very soft kitteh paw in need of reassurance.

Be good.