Reason

This has been a year of self-knowledge and change, with lessons learned at every single turn. Why I do this, why I think that, how I became this. But I still don't know why I get up each morning.

Remember This:

"I can find a better place to live than this!"


When you can't stop crying and hating on doing what you were forced to do by his purposeful words and actions, remember he said that, right after he called you and your husband delusional. Remember his pride, his selfishness, his arrogance and most of all, remember how many times he blamed you for his mistakes - not just under your roof.

Ramblin's

Things here are about to change; the pater is moving out and I'm getting back in to see the docs soon.

I'll let you decide which is the more interesting.

Crafting up a dang storm lately. Made the centerpiece for my fam's thanksgiving table, designed place cards & napkin ring things, blah.

Exhausted. It is no small feat to go against your lifelong habits, even when you're actively trying to do just that. Being aware does not make it easier, heh, but I've got to do what's right for me.

I'm sure that seems melodramatic, and it is, because I'm a dnd nerd up against my nemesis: my own guilt complex.

It's a pisser.

If only it was a kobold; I can get rid of them.

Tricksy

Dear brain:

Please stop tricking my mouth into opening when you are being stupid and selfish.

Jerk.

Masking

There are a lot of shitty things that come with depression. Wearing masks is one of them, and it is close to the top of my Shitty List. I don't want to be social, I don't want to talk, I don't want to go out. I don't I don't I don't.

I don't want this anymore.

I do want to thank the patient and caring folks who won't let me hide.
Even though the only place I want to be is under all the blankets, with the cats, hiding from everything.

The best part of depression is that it abates. It goes out like the tide. It is up to me, however, to strengthen my levees and resolve to get through it, again and again and again.

K-Rex

Sometimes my hamstrings kinda shrink up and straightening my legs won't happen. When this happens, usually my arms and feet and the rest of me gain about elebenty hundred pounds of heavy-limbs.

So when I have to stand or walk a few feet on days like this, it's K-Rex time.

As in, my legs and arms are bent at each joint and I make ridiculous screechy tyrannosaur noises and then the hub laughs, I laugh, the depression hamsters retreat just a little bit more and I relax. A smidgen.

Raaaaaaaawwrrrrkkkk! *gigglegiggle*





Find the silly, when and where you can.

Arghwhargarble

These are the things I know today:

Depression is awful and terrible and smaller than me, so I can handle it dammit.

Crocheting is peaceful but also painful, with arthritis...but useful too.

Allergies can suck it, yo.

I am dressed for outside because dammit, I need some sun.

(What you don't see here is the mountain of self hatred next to the empty valley of self esteem.)

Black Holes

Oh, depression hamsters, please fuck off. Please. Take yourselves and the insomnia gerbils to some other place where you can't hurt anyone. Or nibble electrical wires.

My therapist says that I may benefit hugely from reading the Gnostic writings. That it'll change my perception of myself. My guilt will be eradicated.

I don't even know what that would be, how it would work; I cannot see me without guilt and self-hatred. Does not compute. But I'm spending too much time in bed & not enough of it sleeping. Not that that makes a difference, of course, but a little bit of restful sleep couldn't hurt.

Bah.