And Here We Go Again...

Well, my neurologist believes I do not have MS; he just doesn't know what is going on, which is aligned with my rheumatologist, my GP and my therapist. The things I do have are still fibromyalgia, the double knee issue, PMDD, carpal tunnel, arthritis, and now we can add vertigo and a huge increase in both my pain and fatigue levels. I've had tests and more tests, and will have more tests in the near and not-so-near future, but for now, we are all goddamn confused.

I just do not have the energy to do a fucking thing.

Which is why this post is so damned short.

 I'll update when I have something.

Updates Downdates

Well, kiddos, I saw my rheumatologist on Friday and have some updates to share, so now would be the time to go check out postsecret or whatever you do on Sunday mornings.

If you're still here, I'll share what the doc said.

Firstly, my doctors are all awesome. They are determined to find out what the hell is wrong with me, and won't stop until they do, so I love them very much. Doctor KM, the rheumatologist, said that there is "something" on my kneecap but no one knows what that may be. It's "probably benign", and possibly a cyst or pre-cyst, and there are more tests to come.

This past week I experienced a dizziness which was new to me. As a result of it, I spent most of the week slamming into walls and falling down, which was funny to me but also a bit scary. I fell twice on Monday (or Tuesday? I can't recall), and that was a doozy of a funny in my opinion. See, I was in the kitchen trying to decide what to have for lunch and, in the human style, I looked up while thinking. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor. Five minutes later, I'd pulled myself back up to standing and was looking about myself in triumph - I did it myself! Woohoo! Then, I fell again, this time slamming into the floor and the fridge, and at that moment the hub walked in and helped me up after freaking out a little bit. The pain levels on my right side have increased a bit over the past month or six, and when I mentioned that along with the dizziness, the muscle spasms, the confusion and numbness, my doctor said that she's frustrated because there's something she's missing when it comes to my health. As a result, we talked about MS, which she (along with most of my fam/friends) believes is what's going on, so I'll be seeing a neurologist soon for a battery of tests.

Now, some might think oh noes, bitchylady! That is scary and bad! But I'm hopeful. No, really, I am. If I can get a solid diagnosis of MS, then all of my suspicions will be confirmed, I'll finally have An Answer, I'll be able to get treatment for it and maybe, just maybe, the government will believe me when I say I am disabled. Now, it doesn't change the diagnoses I've already got going on; I've still got the bi-patello-femoral syndrome, the carpal tunnel, the arthritis, the PMDD, the IBS and the fibromyalgia. But those alone aren't disabilities in the eyes of the government. Oh, no, I've got to have something BIG that they RECOGNISE and ACKNOWLEDGE, because the government is simpleminded when it comes to actual human health. A clear diagnosis of MS would also take away about a Mount Rushmore sized bundle of stress from my life.

It's one thing to know that you've got a half-dozen things wrong with you, but it's entirely something else to know that, on top of those things, you've got something that can be regulated. Something people have heard of, that they know is real. Not that what I've got already isn't real per se; it's just that fibromyalgia is STILL barely recognised by the medical field and - of course - the government.

I've said before how I feel about being on disability, I think, but I'll reiterate here and now:

I don't want to be disabled, but I am. I want to work, but I can't. I want to be independent but I am not equipped for that. The government has this program for people just like me, where they take care of their people. The government does not want to take care of me. They want me to flip burgers or work in a factory, doing repetitive motion tasks which would incapacitate me. I don't want the money, but I do need it. I don't want the label, but I already have it. I don't want a handout, I just want help.

So now that I've stated the obvious, I'll leave you with this:

My depression has become immeasurably better since my doctor said that she thinks I do have Multiple Sclerosis. If that's not proof of the power of a good doctor who cares for her patients, I don't know what is.

That Fast, eh?

After last week's excursion, a dear, wonderful old friend came to stay with us for the weekend-to-tuesday, and it was so lovely to see him that I forgot how depressed I was. Score, right? Yes. But it's all back, beginning with the day he left and, since then, has been digging it's claws deeper and deeper into my skin. I don't like feeling this way. I certainly don't like finding my cheeks to be tear stained without my knowledge. That's a bunch of bullshit.
I'm just...not very happy. With my body, with my mind, with my social "life", with my sex "life" and the rest of my ridiculous excuse for a life.

Wait, wait... I'm delving into self-pity land, aren't I? Yes, I think I am.

I want the freedom to do whatever I'd like to do with no limitations. Ten years ago, that "whatever" would have been drinking & drugging until I stopped breathing. Twenty years ago, it would have been cutting and pilling until I stopped breathing. Now, however, I'd just like to go out and get some sunshine without risking another fall, or another i.b.s. attack, or another bruised feeling in my skin.

Whatever, right? Right. So... the hub is awake, which means our day is beginning. I'll try to be more cheerful, but it's hard sometimes.