Decembers can bite me.

Well, maybe not all of them. This December has been a roller coaster, and lemme tell ya... I hate roller coasters.

Two dear friends ended up in hospital after trying to off themselves, my husband's uncle ended up in hospital with a pacemaker after being revived twice, my body has been One Major Fucking Bitch, and this Friday is my 35th birthday. Now, I'm not saying all of these are bad things; my friends and uncle-in-law are all alive, turning 35 is something I never thought I'd do, and my body is going to be a bitch forever. I'm counting my blessings that my loved and liked ones are all alive and I fervently wish I could just hold them all until everything is better, but I can't. And that makes me sad.

You know what else makes me sad? Fucking winter. I got a SAD-rated light bulb recently, and as soon as I find a dang light fixture that can handle it, I'll be sitting under it each day. For now, I just sit under the crazy led-bulbs the hub has in every lamp. And I draw. And sleep. Oh, so much sleep, in chunks, following so little sleep for so long. I'll take it when I can get it, though.

One good - nay, great thing that happened this month was a little hashtag on the twitters: #NotAloneAtXmas. It'll be turning into NotAlone365 soon, fyi. I met some new friends who were also alone on the 25th, and felt much less alone for a large portion of the day. The reason I was home alone was, as usual, due to body bullshit but the hub sent me photos of his family party which was nice. Also sad, but hey! what other time of year is greater for self pity? Luckily, the lovely twitter peoples made me realize I was being an asshole for feeling sorry for myself, so I stopped that. I really do wish I could hug everyone, though. The world would be better overall if everyone was able to be hugged, comforted, loved and laughed with whenever necessary.

And with that, I'm off to get my bones ready for the day.

Goofy and Pain

The holiday tree is up, 90% of the ornaments made by my own two hands, it is december and I am in pain. I had a thought, though; what if my pain sounded like Goofy when he flew off of a cliff? That "yaaaaaahooohooohoohoooooey" noise, you dig? If that was the case, I don't think I'd mind quite so much.

It appears that today will be spent on the couch, watching the original Death at a Funeral and trying not to drool too much over Peter Dinklage. I haven't watched any of the Game of Thrones because I don't have book #2 and I'm a nerd who can't watch what I haven't read, if it was written to begin with, so I'm missing out on quantity of Dinklage, but it's okay. One of my besties sent me a video link to him filming his GQ spread, and my complaint was that there were too many scantily clad women in it - and I love me some women. But I guess I love me some Dinklage more.

So, enough with the rambling. I'm either going to nap or movie, and either way it'll be just me and the cat.

Well, sheeeeeit. Been a while.

Another list, because I love you all and I need sleep:

1. We're living in the house, it is adorable and awesome and half-painted because my hub is a crazed maniac when it comes to house-setting-up-ness.

2. Still having mild panic attacks and more insomnia, but things are getting slightly better. Purchased a SAD-rated light bulb because, damn.

3. People actually come over to visit and it is really strange and also kind of lovely.

4. Hub got me the best goddamn gift a gal like me could ask for (since he already gave me himself, that is): he got me an old-fashioned re-pro record player with a HORN and EVERYTHING.

5. I started a new blog, over at http://stinkywishes.blogspot.com/ and if you like it, please let me know. If you don't, you can let me know that as well, and maybe I'll give a shit.

6. If I don't get off of this fucking laptop soon I will never sleep.

So with that, I bid you buona sera.

Brainfarts

 - I need to stop living my life as an "abled" person and really get my teeth into being this disabled person. With a negative implication in the very word, however, it is difficult to embrace it. Examples would be the resisting of naps (even though they make my body MUCH happier), waking at 5am and staying awake all day (which increases my pain levels) and this whole "lifting boxes around because we moved and I'm a neurotic little weirdo" thing I've gotten into this week.

 - I also need to stop hearing those judgmental voices from my past; the ones who said I was just trying to get attention, the ones who dismissed me as a hypochondriac, the one who didn't sign up for this. Fuck 'em.

 - My wheelchair is my way of getting around. It is up to ME to decide how I'll rock that, and if I want to do 360s in the supermarket or dance to the muzak, I damn well will. There is not a goddamn thing wrong with yelling "wheeee!" when I"m rolling down a hill. Again, if I'm going to wheel myself around this earth, I should OWN it and WORK it.

 - Starting my days with homemade hot cocoa is not a bad thing. I can digest it, somehow, which is more than I can say for my morning tea routine.

 - Not everything is about being disabled; sometimes it's just nice to be about hot cocoa, or a good book, or the sunshine.

So Many Holy Craps.

We bought a HOUSE. We're moving in tomorrow, during the friggin' SNOW in OCTOBER. With two male helpers, one strong female, three female relatives who are over 60, me in my wheelchair and my grandmother, who is 87.

Yeah. This is gonna go GREAT.

We're very lucky, don't get me wrong! The fact that we have *any* help is fantastic, and those who are coming are all really kickass people. I am just in major-over-panic-stress-holy-crap-mode, and while the Rescue Remedy and lavender are helping, they're just not helping enough. Every muscle is tense, and my right leg is shooting pain all up in that bitch, and my eyes are too wide.

See? I get stressed out pretty damn easily. We've got a 3 bedroom house, but we're stuck in our 2 room closet/apartment until we can get over there with furniture and it's raining and will be snowing and high winds and and ...

*pow*

Okay. Now it seems we're going to move on sunday, when it is supposed to be not-snowing and not-raining. I should be less stressed.

*twitchtwitch*

More soon.