To Eleven

The overheating that goes along with the fibromyalgia causes the ibs to act up which increases stress which starts the whole process all over again with added insomnia which makes me overheat which upsets my guts and so on and so on until hey it's morning so it's time to eat food take pills which kicks the ibs back into gear and with that comes the nigh inevitable overheating and did I mention the pain in every muscle and joint yet because that's a constant occurrence that had a beginning once upon a time but has no end in sight no matter how many meds I take or life changes I adhere to or diets I adopt at my team of doctors' advice there is no end. 

So I breathe. 

Turn the meditation to eleven. Inhale. Exhale. Find the joy in the moment. 

One of the cats gallumphs onto my lap. 

Breathe. 

Sandpaper on my pinkie, and I am lost in the calm of his purring, his one shining eye. Breathe. 

truth

I hate my body. 

I hate my faulty pain klaxons. 

I hate my brain. 

I hate my hateful thoughts. 

I hate hate. 

I...I hate hating my body and my brain. 

Is My Depression Showing?

Lately, I am struggling. It feels like the air is thick with it, a fog of dense depression. This time, I also fight with my own romantic, fairy tale self, because I need to make changes, not just fantasize about them. So this battle is a bit tougher than previous times; not only the empty, aching nothingness, but also the knee-jerk reaction of escape within my imagination are against me. 

I am not hopeless. 

I am not helpless. 

I will prevail. 

Depression lies. 

Remember that: Depression lies.

Depression LIES. 

Back again

Road trip was cut drastically short as my bones, muscles, and depression ganged up a bit. there were a few dodgy moments before I accepted that my plans needed to change, but here I sit: alive. 

Expletive Deleted

Pros: 

I'm on a road trip!

My friends are wonderful!

My car is running great!

I've seen and hugged two dogs!

Cons:

I can't stop crying

my body betrays me every moment

at 38 I've the strength of an 83 yr old

there is no end in sight

my pain is constant

Selfish:

I don't want to end my trip early but it seems I have to, if I want to get back to home base. 

Remember: 

Depression lies. 

Depression lies. 

Depression lies.