Babbling

I'd like to blog here more often, I really would. The reason I don't is that I don't have much to talk about. I could tell you about the episode of "The Golden Girls" that I watched the other night, or the knee pain that woke me up, or the latest chapter of the book I'm reading, but they are equally insipid. Not much happens around here. There is no commute for me, no coworkers to interact with, no random stranger's smiles while grabbing my lunch. In many ways, I miss having a job to go to each day. I felt somehow more...well, more. Not to say that I am less now that I can no longer work. I am more of an artist, thanks to the opportunity to hone my skills and discover new ones, which means thanks to my disabilities. Yeah, you read that - thanks to my disabilities.

My therapist always asks me what my pain is telling me. That it has a message, or else it wouldn't be so loud. I'll admit, I used to kind of brush the question off, telling myself that my pain has no message, it just screams unintelligibly on a constant basis (much like my ex husband was doing, the first time I saw him as a teen). Lately, I've been really trying to listen for something clear, some idea of what my pain wants of me. I've tried to meditate when the cacophony was at a lower level, I've had herbal teas to calm my spirit a wee bit, I've painted with my eyes closed, but clarity, I have none. All I know is that the levels of pain I've experienced in the past week are unprecedented.

Recently, I began going to water therapy; it involves getting into a 4 foot deep pool and walking around it, swinging my legs or arms, and other low-impact exercises. My rheumatologist suggested it and I was so excited! The opportunity to lose some weight, tone my body and strengthen my muscles? Awesome! The reality, however, is that something went wrong, and now there is a new and Very Loud Pain in my right knee. Have you ever experienced one baby crying, which triggers other babies to cry as well? That is what happened to my body. First the new knee pain, then the back pain, then the wrist pain (this has taken me several hours to type), and so on and so forth. Waking in the night from a strangled scream is not a fun way to pass the wee hours, and doesn't allow for the kind of restful, deep sleep my ol' bones so desperately need right now. The upside of this is that I've had plenty of time to snuggle with the cat, and, since I can't actually cook meals, my husband is learning how to be a vegan, gluten-free chef of sorts. His work schedule doesn't allow for a lot of time together, though, so for the most part I'm gimping solo here, but we make it work.

There was a point to this post, but damned if I remember what it was. What I do know is that, no matter how loud and cranky my pain gets, I still have my art, my heart, my husband and my hope.